The other day, I started writing the following as an attempt of a devotional. Instead, it became more of trying to put how it felt to burnout in my church duties into words. I am sharing it because it is something that if you haven’t gone through it, it’s hard for you to understand.
I decided to go through some of our kitchen shelves to see what we could donate while I listened to some contemporary Christian music. As I grabbed an old coffee cup, it shattered in my hands and onto the countertop and floor. The song that was playing when I went to go sweep up my mess is called “You” by Apollo. Right after I dropped the cup, the line, “is there a voice inside your mind that reminds you all the time the ways you’re broken?”
When I saw the shattered cup, it was a good representation of how my heart felt when I gave up Worship team. Yes, it’s been over 2 years, but it feels like it was yesterday in certain moments. When I saw something that it takes years to recover from burnout, I didn’t believe it should take that long. I’m here to say it does. Some triggers I expect, being Advent/Christmas and Lent/Easter because it’s when I was very involved in planning those special events and decorating. Then there are the subtle ones, like when I hear people praying The Lord’s Prayer or singing a congregational song and I am reminded of when the sanctuary was empty during COVID, how eerily quiet those moments were; how we tried to make people at home feel like they were worshipping along with those few of us there.
Burnout is not easy to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it, which makes the recovery more challenging to put those tiny pieces back together. Making the decision to step away fully from the church I had loved so much fractured the mending pieces all over, maybe in some ways into smaller pieces. In both decisions, I didn’t want to imagine my life without it. Even though I was completely heartbroken, I had to reset my life.
Isaiah 64:8 says “we are the clay, you are the potter; we are the work of your hand.” I know God is helping mold me into who He wants me to be, but it has required some reshaping, refining, testing and patching. I try to seek and trust God in this all, but I fall short. Even though I felt God called me come back to church, it doesn’t mean it has been an easy road. I don’t know when or if the full healing will happen on earth. But I am trying my best to trust God has me where I am meant to be on my journey right now.